Trying to realize a "dream" and earn a living

It's hard trying to realize a "dream" and earn a living. I consider myself to be very ambitious. Michael Beckwith, leader of the Agape Spiritual Center, says of ambitious/ambition: "moving in two directions at the same time. Moving in the direction of your dream but afraid you're not going to get there." I find this statement to be extremely enlightening. Doesn't that describe to a certain extent the tug of war that every person who's pursued their dream has gone through? Isn't this exactly what you're doing when you're working a "real job" while pursuing your "dream"?

( I put dream in quotations because for most people dreams are things that they wish would come true, or something that would be lovely if it came true, but they don't really believe they will and so they don't really make an effort to give their dreams a real chance to be. For me, my dream is not only possible but it is what I am meant to do. For me my dream is not an improbability or impossibility. It is just a matter of time and perseverence, though some days my resolve and belief in this is not so strong.)

In the beginning it wasn't that I was afraid that I wouldn't get to my dream. I was worked a real job because it was necessary for survival. I believed in my dream so wholeheartedly that I worked jobs that I was overqualified to do and didn't pay much because they gave me the freedom to pursue my dream. I believed I was making a temporary sacrifice for a longterm gain.

Since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a writer. Elementary school teachers encouraged my talent. By middle school I had completed a novel. But when it came time to pick a career path I chose the practical academic route over the unpredictable creative path. I decided against going to the high school for creative and performing arts for writing and instead went to a high school revered for its academic excellence. I didn't give up on writing all together. As a reporter I wrote for my high school newspaper. In college I took a class, but the fact was I had long given up on making a living as a writer. I had a child to support. I thought it selfish and irresponsible to pursue a career that wasn't guaranteed to provide stability for myself and my son.

But after graduation from college, when doing the right thing by going the right route hadn't brought me stability, I thought more and more about my original dream of becoming a writer. But the original dream had evolved. Now I entertained thoughts of being a screenwriter. But I still unwilling to do anything more than entertain the thoughts. It was at the urging of my therapist, who pointed out how often I spoke of wanting to write a screenplay, and who pointed me in the direction of a feasible and responisble way to go about it, that I finally gave in to my screenwriting desires. I bought some screenwriting books and software, and enrolled in a class that in the end didn't teach me anything that I didn't already know.

To make a long story short, one-year after setting the intention to become a screenwriter I was living in Los Angeles and writing for Disney Pictures.  I was one of four chosen out of almost two thousand applicants to receive their prestigious Disney Screenwriting Fellowship. It proof and validation that I was meant for bigger and better things than my upbringing suggested. I was going to be a writer, a screenwriter!

Back in Philly, prior to moving to California, I fantasized about the next Disney classic that I would write. I fantasized about being on-set and watching actors bring my words to life. I fantasized about walking the red carpet, and watching my creation on the big screen. I fantasized about my successful career and how I would help my struggling family. It was the first time in my life that I allowed myself to let my guard down and be happy. I was worry free. All was going to be well.

And the fellowship turned out to be a fantastic experience, but it was never intended to exist on the scale that I had imagined in my head. I was not brought in to write the next Disney classic. It was not even guaranteed that I would have a job with the company once the fellowship ended.

And I didn't, but I wasn't discouraged. But as the years have gone on, and my dream still has not come to fruition, I find that I am moving in two directions at the same time. I am moving in the direction of my dream but because I am afraid that I won't get there I am also trying to cover my bases and find a career to fall back on. It is exhausting and I find that I am unable to give the proper attention to my dream, nor the goal of securing another suitable career. Everytime I sit down to write I end up searching for a job or working on something for school. I try to combine my need for income with my career ambitions. I apply for entry level positions in film and television but because of my lack of "real entertainment experience," i.e., working a desk at a major studio or agency, because the majority of the contacts I made while in the fellowship are either unemployed themselves or in no position to hire me, that route hasn't worked out. As a grad student I apply for internships but most employers are looking for graduate level interns, or they can't see the relevance of my humanities major.

So this blog is dedicated to the pursuit of my screenwriting/film and television ambitions. It is dedicated to my tug of war at moving in two directions at the same time with the hope that one day my dream and my source of financial support will become one.