Domestic violence relationships don't always include physical violence

We all think we have a very clear idea of what domestic violence is. We've seen the biopic about Tina Turner where Ike Turner beats the shit out of her. We've seen that one with Julia Roberts where her husband is so controlling that he makes her organize the canned facing forward an in alphabetical order and forces her to have sex with him. We all believe that domestic violence relationships are extreme cases like these, but they aren't, and many domestic violence relationships don't always involve physical violence at all or even physical violence on a regular basis. Many men who have murdered their wives never hit them beforehand. You see examples of this on a regular basis on TV shows like Dateline.

Domestic violence relationships involve men/batterers that are manipulative and contolling.

"As much as I thought I should leave him I felt I can't leave him, and not just because he had drilled into my head that leaving him was bad and I was a bad wife if I did, but that leaving him was wrong because it was my responsibility to take care of him. No matter what fucked up thing he did, leaving him--abandoning him, was as wrong a thing to do as abandoning my own child."

In many cases the control and manipulation isn't obvious. It is subtle. They just make you feel like a bad person or that you're doing a bad thing.

"He never explicitly told me I couldn't go anywhere, but let me know that doing too many things wasn't the right thing for a mother and wife to do. He'd say things like 'Come on man. How you gonna do all that? You got responsibilities You got a baby."
I knew it wasn't fair and I'd say "You have a baby too. You still do what you want."
He'd say. 'But you ain't me. Women can't be like men.'

"Of course I recognized the double standard but at the same time I had to admit that he was right. I do have responsibilities. I do have a baby. I can't take care of them and do other things too."

Batterers want to control your relationships with your friends and family. This may be subtle as well.

"He never explicitly told me that I couldn't talk to family and friends but made comments like 'Man every time you talk to your girlfriends or read a book you wanna come at my neck. Those people don't know me.' He made me feel like I was wrong for listening to what other people have to say about him and our relationship."
And he was right you know? They only know what I tell them. They don't know him like I do.

Batteres want to control your finances. This doesn't have to be as overt and obvious as not giving you any money. It can be that he lets you work but you have to use all of your money to pay the household bills while he does whatever he wants with his paycheck.

Batterers get intensely involved in new relationships quickly.

"I remember when we first met he talked about getting me pregnant. I did think it was way too soon to be talking about having a baby, but I was also kind of flattered that he wanted to have a baby with me...He wanted me to change my cell phone number so my exes couldn't call me. I told him that I wasn't talking to them anymore but he knew they still had my number and he didn't want them to be able to just call me."

Other signs you may be in a domestic violence relationship:

If your man has negative feelings about women. If he believes that women who get hit by men deserve it because they're always provoking men, always crossing the line. If he blames you as the reason he had to hit you because you just wouldn't shut up, wouldn't leave it alone. (For example if he says stuff like, "You knew I never cheated on you but you just wouldn't let it go, just kept coming at me, kept violating me and checking my phone , going through my stuff...)

If he hates women who always talk about how bad men are, like Beyonce for example. In other words if he feels that women who criticize men need to shut up.

If he defends men who cheat on their wife or girlfriend believing that woman had to have done something to make him do it. (If he defended Tiger Woods and called Elin a gold digger who deserved it.)

If he cheats on you, denies it, and then makes you think you're crazy for asking or believing he would ever do such a thing, and then intimidates or threatens you from bringing up the issue again.

If he blames everybody else for his own problems and doesn't take responsibility for anything in his life.

If you recognize any of these symptoms in your man he may be more than just an asshole. You may indeed be in a domestic violence relationship.

Not all batterers are the boogey man. They aren't all inherently bad men. They aren't all doing what they do out of spite or intentionally.They are men we all know and love--our brothers, sons, and husbands, and in many cases they are simply repeating behaviors or reacting to experiences they themselves experienced in their childhood. Nonetheless, regardless of why they do what they do, their actions are still unacceptable.

The question of what to do next isn't easy. You may want to leave and in fact family and friends might be telling you need to leave or even that you are stupid for staying, however leaving poses real risk. The majority of women who experience physical domestic violence, or those that are ultimately murdered, are women who have separated from or have divorced their batterer.

If you believe you may be in a domestic violence relationship seek out help and support before you do anything and understand that if you do decide to stay it does not mean that you are stupid or that you can't leave in the future. On average it takes a woman six attempts to finally get out of her domestic violence relationship.
http://www.thehotline.org/

I guess you might be wondering why I am including this in a blog about writing but the truth is that we all have our obstacles to success.

Trying to realize a "dream" and earn a living

It's hard trying to realize a "dream" and earn a living. I consider myself to be very ambitious. Michael Beckwith, leader of the Agape Spiritual Center, says of ambitious/ambition: "moving in two directions at the same time. Moving in the direction of your dream but afraid you're not going to get there." I find this statement to be extremely enlightening. Doesn't that describe to a certain extent the tug of war that every person who's pursued their dream has gone through? Isn't this exactly what you're doing when you're working a "real job" while pursuing your "dream"?

( I put dream in quotations because for most people dreams are things that they wish would come true, or something that would be lovely if it came true, but they don't really believe they will and so they don't really make an effort to give their dreams a real chance to be. For me, my dream is not only possible but it is what I am meant to do. For me my dream is not an improbability or impossibility. It is just a matter of time and perseverence, though some days my resolve and belief in this is not so strong.)

In the beginning it wasn't that I was afraid that I wouldn't get to my dream. I was worked a real job because it was necessary for survival. I believed in my dream so wholeheartedly that I worked jobs that I was overqualified to do and didn't pay much because they gave me the freedom to pursue my dream. I believed I was making a temporary sacrifice for a longterm gain.

Since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a writer. Elementary school teachers encouraged my talent. By middle school I had completed a novel. But when it came time to pick a career path I chose the practical academic route over the unpredictable creative path. I decided against going to the high school for creative and performing arts for writing and instead went to a high school revered for its academic excellence. I didn't give up on writing all together. As a reporter I wrote for my high school newspaper. In college I took a class, but the fact was I had long given up on making a living as a writer. I had a child to support. I thought it selfish and irresponsible to pursue a career that wasn't guaranteed to provide stability for myself and my son.

But after graduation from college, when doing the right thing by going the right route hadn't brought me stability, I thought more and more about my original dream of becoming a writer. But the original dream had evolved. Now I entertained thoughts of being a screenwriter. But I still unwilling to do anything more than entertain the thoughts. It was at the urging of my therapist, who pointed out how often I spoke of wanting to write a screenplay, and who pointed me in the direction of a feasible and responisble way to go about it, that I finally gave in to my screenwriting desires. I bought some screenwriting books and software, and enrolled in a class that in the end didn't teach me anything that I didn't already know.

To make a long story short, one-year after setting the intention to become a screenwriter I was living in Los Angeles and writing for Disney Pictures.  I was one of four chosen out of almost two thousand applicants to receive their prestigious Disney Screenwriting Fellowship. It proof and validation that I was meant for bigger and better things than my upbringing suggested. I was going to be a writer, a screenwriter!

Back in Philly, prior to moving to California, I fantasized about the next Disney classic that I would write. I fantasized about being on-set and watching actors bring my words to life. I fantasized about walking the red carpet, and watching my creation on the big screen. I fantasized about my successful career and how I would help my struggling family. It was the first time in my life that I allowed myself to let my guard down and be happy. I was worry free. All was going to be well.

And the fellowship turned out to be a fantastic experience, but it was never intended to exist on the scale that I had imagined in my head. I was not brought in to write the next Disney classic. It was not even guaranteed that I would have a job with the company once the fellowship ended.

And I didn't, but I wasn't discouraged. But as the years have gone on, and my dream still has not come to fruition, I find that I am moving in two directions at the same time. I am moving in the direction of my dream but because I am afraid that I won't get there I am also trying to cover my bases and find a career to fall back on. It is exhausting and I find that I am unable to give the proper attention to my dream, nor the goal of securing another suitable career. Everytime I sit down to write I end up searching for a job or working on something for school. I try to combine my need for income with my career ambitions. I apply for entry level positions in film and television but because of my lack of "real entertainment experience," i.e., working a desk at a major studio or agency, because the majority of the contacts I made while in the fellowship are either unemployed themselves or in no position to hire me, that route hasn't worked out. As a grad student I apply for internships but most employers are looking for graduate level interns, or they can't see the relevance of my humanities major.

So this blog is dedicated to the pursuit of my screenwriting/film and television ambitions. It is dedicated to my tug of war at moving in two directions at the same time with the hope that one day my dream and my source of financial support will become one.